There are a few different passages of scripture found in the Bible and Book of Mormon that instruct us to become like little children. These passages no doubt have been discussed and analyzed multiple times through out world history. The debate regarding the correct interpretation of the true meaning to "become as a little child" will definitely never cease. There is the obvious answers given such as the innocence of a child, submitting to the will of the father, and obedience that are all logical answers on how one becomes as a little child.
The other side of the debate that some people struggle with is why anyone would want to become as a child. They are limited in their abilities, they are weak, and unable to provide for themselves.
I have never been one to debate the latter of the two positions, I think there are so many amazing qualities that children innately possess that we as adult should try and emulate.
Two weeks ago my Heavenly Father decided to teach me more about this concept through a small quiet moment which I shall never forget.
We had traveled to Utah from Oregon as a family for a summer/work/visit family trip. We had a wonderful time, outside of the car ride that took 13 hours with four small children. On our final night in Utah I began to help my wife pack up our things and get ready for the next days travel.
Feelings of anxiousness and worry that are often associated with travel began to rush over my body. I started think about the long drive, whether we had everything packed, the cost of our entire trip, and the pile of work that was sure to be on my desk from my absence. I sat down on the couch just outside our bedroom and took a deep breath, it was then that Heavenly Father took the time to teach me a valuable lesson.
Sitting just inside the doorway of our bedroom was my third child Samantha, she was contently playing with a new toy given to her by my sister. As I watched her play with this toy I could see in her body language that she literally had no care in the world. There was no worrying look upon her face, no concern about the mornings drive back home, she was content and at peace just playing by herself on the floor. I marveled at this sight for a few minutes, I tried to think about the last time I didn't worry about anything and was just content and at peace with life.
How was it that she was able to be so calm? My wife and I have always worked are hardest to make our children feel loved and safe. We have always provided them with food on the table and a roof over their heads. We have always been there for them in their times of need. Samantha was able to sit there that night because she knew that we would protect her and make sure she would make it home safely. She had entrusted her faith in us that we would do that for her. Ultimately that was the reason she was at peace because she had faith in us.
The spirit then whispered to me, "do you have faith in Heavenly Father?" That one question that ran across my mind hit me so profoundly. Did I have faith in my Heavenly Father? Couldn't I be as my little child and believe that if I did everything that God had asked of me that He in turn would watch over and protect me. If only my faith could be as strong as that of my child, unwavering and without doubt.
I hope to look up at my Father in Heaven just as my child looks at me, through eyes of faith, trust, and belief. I am so grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who continually teaches me through small miraculous moments that help shape me into what he see that I can become.
"becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."---Mosiah 3:19
Friday, July 3, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
I am a child of God
Growing up in the church there was one thing I was sure of, I was a child of God. This theme was continually taught from the time I walked into nursery with diapers on 'til the day I walked out of primary and into young men's. Even after primary I was still taught in a majority of my classes that I was a "Child of God."
If you were to walk up to any child in primary and ask them to sing "I am a Child of God" you will instantly have little voices singing mightily the words they have learned. Believing as a child that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me, gave me much assurance and peace. Knowing I had someone to turn to in my darkest hours as a teenage gave me hope and courage to withstand the barrage of temptation that came with the transition to adulthood.
Although I believed I had a Heavenly Father who loved me and that I was his child, I don't think I fully understood the depth and sincerity of His love. There were things I loved in my life, certainly my family and friends, the many pets I had through the years, even some girlfriends I felt I could possibly be in love with. Those things within my life that I truly loved were a measurement to the love my Heavenly Father could possibly have for me. There was no other way I could compute or understand His love than to compare too what I thought love was.
After marrying my sweetheart in the temple, I again added a greater appreciation to what love was. She is truly my soul mate, my best friend, a person I would climb the highest mountain for or cross the widest river just to be with. A part of me feels complete when she is by my side. Having her in my life has given me a broader perspective of God's love for me.
I think for most people there is a defining moment within their lives where this concept of being a child of God becomes so profound and undeniable that they no longer believe but know they are His child. My defining moment where I came to understand God's love for me came on October 29, 2002.
This was the birth of our first child Lilliana. I can still remember the nurse handing me this beautiful, amazing, little girl wrapped tightly in pink blankets. Holding her in my arms for the first time was a moment I shall never forget. I struggle to find the words to adequately describe the emotions that overcame me during those first few moments. I was a father!
I made a promise to my little girl that night in the hospital that I would always, always love her, no matter what. I would always be there for her, I would protect and provide for her, and make sure she knew daily how much I loved her. I had never felt such a strong love for anything in my life as I did for her on that day.
I know God is my Father, I am His son and because I am His child I know he loves me more than anything, just as I love my children more than anything in this world. After years of being taught this message it took holding my own child to gain a stronger understanding of God's love for me.
In a small hospital room I came to know how much my Heavenly Father loves me.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Life's Kite Strings
I recently read a short story about a young boy and his father flying a kite. The boy stood amazed as the kite soared higher and higher, with each gust of wind the kite ascended toward the clouds. Finally, the kite had reached the end of the line not allowing the kite to rise any higher than it currently found itself.
The boy cried to his Father, "Let's cut the line so the kite can soar higher!" The Father replied. "If we cut the line the kite will surely fall." "No it won't, the line is keeping it from going as high as it possibly could" replied the boy.
The Father being wise and seeing this as a teaching moment for his son pulled out his pocket knife and followed the eager promptings of his son. The moment the the line was cut the kite immediately plummeted to the ground. The boy couldn't understand why the kite didn't soar, why did the string of line make all the difference?
Just as in life we find a parallel to story of the kite. Mine came during my teenage years. My best friend grew up across the street, from the time we were in diapers it seemed as though we were inseparable. Bike riding, baseball, basketball, playing war, and building dams in the Oregon mud all seemed to be normal rituals for us as kids. But, as we grew older and approached adulthood or paths seemed to go in different directions.
Being raised LDS I was taught early to follow a set of morals called the words of wisdom and the law of chastity. This meant I abstained from the use of alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and did not view pornography or participate in premarital sex.
Most of these activities are quite common among high school aged kids. More and more I would hear from friends at school the question "why?" Why couldn't I come to parties? Why couldn't I just have a beer? Why couldn't I watch a bad movie? Why couldn't I finally lose my virginity? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Being young and impressionable these questions began to dominate my thoughts and I too began to question WHY?
Just as the Father had done in the short story, my Father in Heaven knew it was time to teach me "why".
One night while watching tv with my family the phone rang, it was my friend from across the street. He asked if we could talk, he normally wouldn't begin a conversation like that so I knew it was serious. I quickly excused myself and retreated to the privacy of my room. I could tell in my friend's voice that something was wrong.
"What's going on?" I asked. "My girlfriend just called me, she's missed her period!" he replied. "Missed her period, what does that mean?" I asked. "There is a chance, she might be pregnant" he replied. There was a moment of silence between the two of us that seemed to last for an eternity. What was I suppose to say to him? What was the appropriate answer to help him? I took a deep breath and told him "What ever happens I will help you in anyway possible." That was I could think of to tell him, to let him know no matter what situation he found himself in I would be there to help.
We spoke for over an hour and every concern he ever had about having sex with different girls from school came out. He told me he constantly worried about pregnancies, std's, and being caught by a parent. For that brief moment of pleasure an enormous amount of grief followed.
After hanging up the phone, I sat on my bed and stared at the ceiling for a few moments. Then as if the flood gates were opened the spirit rushed over me and I obtained the answers to "WHY".
Never once had I found myself in the position my friend was now having to face. Never once did I retire to bed fearful of an unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STD. Never once did I worry about an overdose on a drug, or driving home drunk after a party.
The commandments that were given to me from Heavenly Father weren't restrictive or constraining, they gave me freedom and peace. I could obtain happiness by following what was asked of me from God. He doesn't give us commandments and guidance to make us miserable in life, He gives them to us to bring us joy and security from all of life's entrapments.
Sitting on the end of my bed as a teenager I marveled as my once cloudy thoughts had become clear. I had gained a new perspective on life through this one single experience. I wasn't tied down by the commandments, I was lifted up and made free.
The commandments were my kite strings in life that allowed me to soar and reach for the Heavens.
Monday, May 4, 2009
An Age Old Question
There seems to be a small window of time that is afforded to my wife and I each day, it is not much time but time, none the less, where we can take a deep breath, talk to one another face to face, without distraction. This brief moment seems to arrive like clockwork each night, it is found amidst the glow of nightlights, teddy bears, and bedtime story books that have been scatter across the floor. This reunion of sorts can not begin until the last child, our four, has finally succeeded in her valiant and courageous battle to stay awake.
Finally, as eyes meet, we both smile knowing we have endured yet another day filled with work, parenting, school, church callings, meals, and everyday life. It is during this time that we as a couple evaluate the day we had and the day to come. Some of our most deep heartfelt conversations and revelations have been felt during this quiet time in the night. We often ask one another questions and seek out possible answers that will appease our souls, which will in turn, hopefully enable us to rest well on that night.
After the baby finally fell asleep and teeth had been brushed my wife asked me a question, "I spoke with my sister today, she had a few questions about life and struggles. She wanted to know why bad things happen to good people?"
This was not the first occasion this question had been posed to me, I have found myself in numerous conversations with family, friends, and acquaintances on this very subject. And yet, I have found myself in each conversation attempting to extract the real meaning behind that question.
As we discussed other matters of the heart we continually came back to that first question asked by her sister.
It is apparent throughout the scriptures that men have struggled with this very concept from the beginning of time. The story of Cain and Abel is the first recorded incident of its kind.
Both sons to Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel chose different paths in life. Abel hearkened unto the voice of the Lord and was a righteous man, while Cain enraged with jealously of his younger brother chose to follow the voice of Satan, which is clearly stated in Moses 5:18 "And Cain loved Satan more than God." Following the promptings of Satan, Cain takes the life of his innocent brother.
We discussed the story of Job found in the Old Testament. Job is plagued with more tragedy and afflictions than one man should have to bear. His great sufferings are revealed in a single quote spoken to him from his wife. After he has been smitten with boils across his entire body, she say to Job, " Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die." This coming from his companion and spouse, who no doubt, struggled watching her husband suffer, as much as he did.
What made these families continue to live righteous lives after enduring such hardship? Why didn't they do as Job's wife had suggested and "curse God" when they found themselves in the midst of calamity and trials?
In each of the conversations I have had regarding this question I found it was always used to mask a deeper issue and question that the individual was struggling with. This question is really a precursor to these following thoughts; How can I believe in a loving God if he allows this to happen? Can I ultimately trust and love a God who is willing to allow me as his child to suffer? If there really was a God would he allow this to happen?
An individuals core beliefs can be so shaken that they begin to doubt the mere existence of God. With each story found in the scriptures we are expected to extract the lessons being taught and apply them to our own lives, this is no easy task. Often times it is not until we find ourselves in similar situations can we fully appreciate and understand what is being taught to us.
If I may, let me share a personal story that shaped my opinions and thoughts regarding this age old questions.
As a young boy growing up I looked up to my father, as most young boys do. I literally thought he was Superman and entrusted with a wide array of superpowers! My father was a salesman by trade and this required him to travel quite frequently.
Many times we would join our Father on his sales trips, we would play at the hotel swimming pool, take in a few local sights, and of course eat junk food! The one thing that amazed me about my Father as a young child was how many people he knew. It didn't matter where we were in our many travels across the Northwestern states someone always knew my Dad.
I had lost count as a child how many time I heard a stranger tell me, "You've got one great Dad!" I overheard countless stories about how he helped someone in need and others talking about his honesty and integrity. Never once did I encounter a negative word uttered from someone regarding my Father. This left a large impression that was quickly formed in my mind as a young adolescent child.
My Father was my hero and what I felt was an example of someone living a good and righteous life.
At age 15 my Father became very ill and he was rushed into the hospital. For several days Doctors and nurses attended to him, running every test imaginable, in a race to find out what was wrong before it was to late. The doctors had warned my mother that he may not have much time to live. I can still remember sitting in algebra class, staring at the chalkboard, worrying about my father, when a beep over the PA system disrupted our class. The voice over the speaker said, "Jon & Rob, please come to the front office." Rob is my older brother who was in school that day also. I grabbed my backpack and ran out of class and headed straight to the office. My older brother was already there, "Dad might not make it, we need to get to the hospital." That seemed to be the longest ride of my life as my brother weaved in and out of traffic in our old GMC truck. Along the way there was silence between my brother and I, both of us praying silently we would have one last chance to see our Dad.
My prayers were direct as I pleaded and begged for my Father's life. As we pulled into the hospital parking lot we both slammed the truck doors and rushed off into the front lobby. Most of my family was there standing in the waiting room, eyes were red and filled with tears. There had not been to many times in my life before this experience where I had been afraid or scared as I was at that moment. My Superman, had fallen and I wasn't sure if he was ever going to get back up.
After several more days of this similar routine, my Father begin to regain strength. He had however suffered several strokes that caused him to lose much of his memory and speech. We later took him home to care for him ourselves within the confines of our home. The breaking moment for me as a young teenager was taking my Father dinner in bed and having him peer into my eyes as if I were a stranger. He no longer knew who I was. Withholding my tears in front of him, I quickly escaped to my room and secretly cried. My sadness and frustration for the situation quickly changed to anger and the age old question, crossed my mind. How could God allow this to happen to my dad? He was such a great man, how could this happen?
The answer to that question did not come to me that night or the next. It wasn't until several years later that I came to understand why God had allowed this to happen to my dad.
Over the next few years my Dad regained most of his long term memory and some of his speech, he knew who I was at least!! It was in the following years where I could see the reason behind such a horrific event within my family. Although, my Father was Superman to me at a young age, he was often never home. He was one of the hardest workers I have ever known and this resulted in his absent for a lot of our family functions and milestones. I knew he loved us and worked hard to put food on the table and clothes on our backs, but he wasn't always there. After the strokes and medical conditions he slowly got better and even though he is not the same Superman Father I once knew he has now put on a different cape and my admiration and love for him has grown on a whole new level.
The experience of almost losing my Dad and watching him struggle on a daily basis was indeed horrific, but the blessings that came from that event I would not change for the world. He is no longer absent from my life.
The lesson I learned from that event in my life was that I lack the eternal perspective that God has, I am unable to see the entire picture as He can. God knows what we need to help shape us into the individuals He sees we can become.
The true test is whether we believe that or not, is found when God places us in times of struggle to see how we will react, if we will believe, if we will trust him. It is only after that test will he show us his infinite wisdom behind those trials and tribulations we must face.
The prophet Joseph Smith endured much persecution and tribulation and yet he too after several months confined to a small basement jail utters the words, " O God, where art thou?" The answer obtained by Joseph Smith's plea would for ever change the prophet's outlook on life's struggles. God answers him saying, " My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
What a beautiful answer given to the Prophet in his time of need. We must remember that our suffering will be but a small moment in the realms of the eternities and if we stay faithful and believe in God despite our afflictions we can be exalted on high.
Bad things happen to Good people, but if we continue to believe in God, trust in him, we can endure any trial or struggle placed before us, holding fast to the promise given to the prophets that if we endure it well we will be okay.
We know who our true friends are when things are not going well, they are there standing beside us through thick and thin. God, likewise finds out those who truly believe in Him, when things are not going so well.
I am not sure if this post answered the age old question, "why bad things happen to good people" or raised more questions? Because of my experiences as a young adult I will put my trust and faith in God and attempt to expand my eternal perspective and believe, if I weather the storm and endure it well, I too will be blessed.
Finally, as eyes meet, we both smile knowing we have endured yet another day filled with work, parenting, school, church callings, meals, and everyday life. It is during this time that we as a couple evaluate the day we had and the day to come. Some of our most deep heartfelt conversations and revelations have been felt during this quiet time in the night. We often ask one another questions and seek out possible answers that will appease our souls, which will in turn, hopefully enable us to rest well on that night.
After the baby finally fell asleep and teeth had been brushed my wife asked me a question, "I spoke with my sister today, she had a few questions about life and struggles. She wanted to know why bad things happen to good people?"
This was not the first occasion this question had been posed to me, I have found myself in numerous conversations with family, friends, and acquaintances on this very subject. And yet, I have found myself in each conversation attempting to extract the real meaning behind that question.
As we discussed other matters of the heart we continually came back to that first question asked by her sister.
It is apparent throughout the scriptures that men have struggled with this very concept from the beginning of time. The story of Cain and Abel is the first recorded incident of its kind.
Both sons to Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel chose different paths in life. Abel hearkened unto the voice of the Lord and was a righteous man, while Cain enraged with jealously of his younger brother chose to follow the voice of Satan, which is clearly stated in Moses 5:18 "And Cain loved Satan more than God." Following the promptings of Satan, Cain takes the life of his innocent brother.
We discussed the story of Job found in the Old Testament. Job is plagued with more tragedy and afflictions than one man should have to bear. His great sufferings are revealed in a single quote spoken to him from his wife. After he has been smitten with boils across his entire body, she say to Job, " Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die." This coming from his companion and spouse, who no doubt, struggled watching her husband suffer, as much as he did.
What made these families continue to live righteous lives after enduring such hardship? Why didn't they do as Job's wife had suggested and "curse God" when they found themselves in the midst of calamity and trials?
In each of the conversations I have had regarding this question I found it was always used to mask a deeper issue and question that the individual was struggling with. This question is really a precursor to these following thoughts; How can I believe in a loving God if he allows this to happen? Can I ultimately trust and love a God who is willing to allow me as his child to suffer? If there really was a God would he allow this to happen?
An individuals core beliefs can be so shaken that they begin to doubt the mere existence of God. With each story found in the scriptures we are expected to extract the lessons being taught and apply them to our own lives, this is no easy task. Often times it is not until we find ourselves in similar situations can we fully appreciate and understand what is being taught to us.
If I may, let me share a personal story that shaped my opinions and thoughts regarding this age old questions.
As a young boy growing up I looked up to my father, as most young boys do. I literally thought he was Superman and entrusted with a wide array of superpowers! My father was a salesman by trade and this required him to travel quite frequently.
Many times we would join our Father on his sales trips, we would play at the hotel swimming pool, take in a few local sights, and of course eat junk food! The one thing that amazed me about my Father as a young child was how many people he knew. It didn't matter where we were in our many travels across the Northwestern states someone always knew my Dad.
I had lost count as a child how many time I heard a stranger tell me, "You've got one great Dad!" I overheard countless stories about how he helped someone in need and others talking about his honesty and integrity. Never once did I encounter a negative word uttered from someone regarding my Father. This left a large impression that was quickly formed in my mind as a young adolescent child.
My Father was my hero and what I felt was an example of someone living a good and righteous life.
At age 15 my Father became very ill and he was rushed into the hospital. For several days Doctors and nurses attended to him, running every test imaginable, in a race to find out what was wrong before it was to late. The doctors had warned my mother that he may not have much time to live. I can still remember sitting in algebra class, staring at the chalkboard, worrying about my father, when a beep over the PA system disrupted our class. The voice over the speaker said, "Jon & Rob, please come to the front office." Rob is my older brother who was in school that day also. I grabbed my backpack and ran out of class and headed straight to the office. My older brother was already there, "Dad might not make it, we need to get to the hospital." That seemed to be the longest ride of my life as my brother weaved in and out of traffic in our old GMC truck. Along the way there was silence between my brother and I, both of us praying silently we would have one last chance to see our Dad.
My prayers were direct as I pleaded and begged for my Father's life. As we pulled into the hospital parking lot we both slammed the truck doors and rushed off into the front lobby. Most of my family was there standing in the waiting room, eyes were red and filled with tears. There had not been to many times in my life before this experience where I had been afraid or scared as I was at that moment. My Superman, had fallen and I wasn't sure if he was ever going to get back up.
After several more days of this similar routine, my Father begin to regain strength. He had however suffered several strokes that caused him to lose much of his memory and speech. We later took him home to care for him ourselves within the confines of our home. The breaking moment for me as a young teenager was taking my Father dinner in bed and having him peer into my eyes as if I were a stranger. He no longer knew who I was. Withholding my tears in front of him, I quickly escaped to my room and secretly cried. My sadness and frustration for the situation quickly changed to anger and the age old question, crossed my mind. How could God allow this to happen to my dad? He was such a great man, how could this happen?
The answer to that question did not come to me that night or the next. It wasn't until several years later that I came to understand why God had allowed this to happen to my dad.
Over the next few years my Dad regained most of his long term memory and some of his speech, he knew who I was at least!! It was in the following years where I could see the reason behind such a horrific event within my family. Although, my Father was Superman to me at a young age, he was often never home. He was one of the hardest workers I have ever known and this resulted in his absent for a lot of our family functions and milestones. I knew he loved us and worked hard to put food on the table and clothes on our backs, but he wasn't always there. After the strokes and medical conditions he slowly got better and even though he is not the same Superman Father I once knew he has now put on a different cape and my admiration and love for him has grown on a whole new level.
The experience of almost losing my Dad and watching him struggle on a daily basis was indeed horrific, but the blessings that came from that event I would not change for the world. He is no longer absent from my life.
The lesson I learned from that event in my life was that I lack the eternal perspective that God has, I am unable to see the entire picture as He can. God knows what we need to help shape us into the individuals He sees we can become.
The true test is whether we believe that or not, is found when God places us in times of struggle to see how we will react, if we will believe, if we will trust him. It is only after that test will he show us his infinite wisdom behind those trials and tribulations we must face.
The prophet Joseph Smith endured much persecution and tribulation and yet he too after several months confined to a small basement jail utters the words, " O God, where art thou?" The answer obtained by Joseph Smith's plea would for ever change the prophet's outlook on life's struggles. God answers him saying, " My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
What a beautiful answer given to the Prophet in his time of need. We must remember that our suffering will be but a small moment in the realms of the eternities and if we stay faithful and believe in God despite our afflictions we can be exalted on high.
Bad things happen to Good people, but if we continue to believe in God, trust in him, we can endure any trial or struggle placed before us, holding fast to the promise given to the prophets that if we endure it well we will be okay.
We know who our true friends are when things are not going well, they are there standing beside us through thick and thin. God, likewise finds out those who truly believe in Him, when things are not going so well.
I am not sure if this post answered the age old question, "why bad things happen to good people" or raised more questions? Because of my experiences as a young adult I will put my trust and faith in God and attempt to expand my eternal perspective and believe, if I weather the storm and endure it well, I too will be blessed.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Parent of a Teenage Girl
Dear Friendly Advice,
This is the first time I have ever posted a question in an advice column, so here it goes. My teenage daughter has been dating a boy from her school for the past 3 months. At first I thought the idea of her dating someone was fine and would be good for her, but now it seems it has consumed her life. If she is not with him she is either on her cell phone talking to him or texting him every minute of the day. She used to hang out with us as a family but now all she does is go to her room to call him or chat online. We just got her cell phone bill for last month and she is way over on minutes. To make matters worse her report card came in the mail and her grades have dropped significantly.
Her boyfriend seems to be a pretty nice guy from what I know of him but she is devoting every last second of the day to being with him and not concentrating on the things she should be. I am afraid if I put my foot down she will become angry and shut us out even more. I don't want her to be mad at me but I do not know what to do. Can you offer any friendly advice?
Thanks-Parent of a teenager
Dear Parent of a Teenager,
Parents today are so afraid of not being liked by their children that they will fore go their duties and roles as a parent for that of a "friend". Your daughter is experiencing her first love and that is not a bad thing, she is however a teenager and not an adult. She does not know how to work through the new emotions she is now experiencing. She needs to know her boundaries and needs guidance from an adult, specifically from her parents. So drop the "friend" role and give your daughter what she really needs, her parents. Explain to her that dating is a privilege that comes from her following certain guidelines that you have set for her to meet. When she meets those guideline than she keeps her privileges, when she doesn't than those privileges are taken away.
Set limits on how long she can talk on her cell phone, if she goes over on minutes she loses the privileges of her phone for a week or longer. School should be her number one priority and until she can prove to you that she can both date and keep her grade up, dating will be out of the question. Explain to her that time with the family is important because she plays a key role in the family unit.
Get to know the person your child is dating, have this young man over to the house on multiple occasion's and make sure he has a positive influence in your daughter life and not a destructive one.
Lastly, remember your the parent and she needs you for guidance and structure to ensure that she will make the right decisions for her future.
This is the first time I have ever posted a question in an advice column, so here it goes. My teenage daughter has been dating a boy from her school for the past 3 months. At first I thought the idea of her dating someone was fine and would be good for her, but now it seems it has consumed her life. If she is not with him she is either on her cell phone talking to him or texting him every minute of the day. She used to hang out with us as a family but now all she does is go to her room to call him or chat online. We just got her cell phone bill for last month and she is way over on minutes. To make matters worse her report card came in the mail and her grades have dropped significantly.
Her boyfriend seems to be a pretty nice guy from what I know of him but she is devoting every last second of the day to being with him and not concentrating on the things she should be. I am afraid if I put my foot down she will become angry and shut us out even more. I don't want her to be mad at me but I do not know what to do. Can you offer any friendly advice?
Thanks-Parent of a teenager
Dear Parent of a Teenager,
Parents today are so afraid of not being liked by their children that they will fore go their duties and roles as a parent for that of a "friend". Your daughter is experiencing her first love and that is not a bad thing, she is however a teenager and not an adult. She does not know how to work through the new emotions she is now experiencing. She needs to know her boundaries and needs guidance from an adult, specifically from her parents. So drop the "friend" role and give your daughter what she really needs, her parents. Explain to her that dating is a privilege that comes from her following certain guidelines that you have set for her to meet. When she meets those guideline than she keeps her privileges, when she doesn't than those privileges are taken away.
Set limits on how long she can talk on her cell phone, if she goes over on minutes she loses the privileges of her phone for a week or longer. School should be her number one priority and until she can prove to you that she can both date and keep her grade up, dating will be out of the question. Explain to her that time with the family is important because she plays a key role in the family unit.
Get to know the person your child is dating, have this young man over to the house on multiple occasion's and make sure he has a positive influence in your daughter life and not a destructive one.
Lastly, remember your the parent and she needs you for guidance and structure to ensure that she will make the right decisions for her future.
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